I'm a parent. Therefore, according to the news reports, I should be scared about the prospect of extremely violent video games - or ones that portray sexual imagery or drug use - being made available in this country. The argument I continue hearing from parents in these news items is that - even with an R18+ classification system for video games - their children may still be exposed to these unsavoury pixilated adventures.
Sure, okay, I can see there is a risk that R18+ games can still find their way into a school bag. We all know what sneeky little tykes our kids are. So here's what I propose.
Let's not stop at video games. After all - they're not the only things we restrict to 18 years and older.
It's time we took back the video store and made it safe for children again. Anything R18+ should be banned in Australia. After all, it's the only way we can be sure our children won't be exposed to this filth. Sure that means no more porno, but it also means no more Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver, no more chuckles at The Hangover (yes, it's R18+), no more Bruno - although that last one is a plus.
We have to be 100% certain under 18s aren't exposed to content their little brains can't be trusted to understand. But here's the problem. I'm sure many of you parents have some of these films in your own home collections. How on earth do you cope with preventing little Billy blowing his mind by slipping your copy of Scarface into the Blu-ray player? I hope you've got the DVD cupboard locked! Not to worry, when the ban comes into effect, I'll come round with the 'boys' and confiscate all such dangerous items. Hey, you'll still have Finding Nemo to watch, so it's not all bad.
While we're about it, alcohol is restricted to over 18s, so we'll be confiscating your beer fridge as well. It's time we brought in prohibition, banning alcohol across Australia. You just know that little Billy is ready to break into the drinks cabinet the moment your back is turned.
What do you mean you're not prepared to give up alcohol? Are you disputing the stats that show that about one quarter of all children between 12 and 17 have a drink within any given week and that over 450,000 children (13.2%) live in households where they are at risk of exposure to binge drinking? That is far worse than any current video game problem so let's stamp it out fast because we parents are obviously crap at policing this particular 18+ rule! If you can't cope with telling little Billy that you're not going to buy him Left For Dead 2 for Christmas, you're certainly not capable of denying him a scotch and dry on Boxing Day!
So let's close the nightclubs and bars - because we all know how easy they are to sneak into with a fake ID. Hell, we all did it ourselves even if we try to prevent our own children from doing so! Sure, that means a bit of unemployment, and we adults will remain painfully sober when the boss makes our lives a misery, but we can't have any double standards here can we? As parents we've shown ourselves totally incapable of taking responsibility for the moral upbringing of our kids, so it is far easier just to ban these things outright.
Oh, and it's bye-bye porn, while we're at it. All those top shelf magazines gone. No more 'exotic dancing' clubs. Board up the sex shops. Sure, there are a fair few adults who don't mind a bit of titillation among consenting adults and a few cheeky toys, videos or magazines can be the spice in some relationships. But we all know those mags end up behind the bike sheds at school with that one kid who always somehow manages to create a black market in back issues of Razzle or whatever they call themselves.I don't know about you, but I worry every day about Billy asking me what a dildo is! It won't be a problem if all the dildos, vibrators, fluffy handcuffs and other filth are collected up for landfill.
Hang on though - what about driving? Another activity restricted to adults and an activity that, let's face it, does have a strong track record of leading to illegal behaviour and even massive death tolls. Here we have something with a direct and provable cause and effect between the capacity and access to a car and the willingness to speed, drive recklessly and perform other dangerous behaviours eventuating in death and mass carnage. We know restricting the driving age hasn't kept the young joy riders off the road, so we should also lobby for the banning of cars. Yup, catch a bus instead. You're kids will be safer for it.
Yes, I know the average age of a video game player in Australia is 25+. But even though something is designed solely for adult use, restricted to prevent minors gaining access and clearly marked to advise parents of the risks, it is perfectly obvious to me that we parents are not capable of responsibly monitoring or raising our children in such an environment. Christ, allowing 18+ content out into our society would mean I would have to actually pay attention to what my child is doing!
